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An open letter to high school – A goodbye

Dear High school,

I guess, on the whole, you treated me well. I am very proud of what I have been able to accomplish over the last five years and I am extremely grateful for the opportunities you have presented me with. Overall, I’ve been very lucky, so thank you, high school. You’ve watched me grow from a shy little girl surrounded by big people with no idea about the things life could throw at her, into an adult who fits into her own skin and is content with where she is headed. I wonder what that was like. To watch not only me but everyone, grow. Even though I can look back on myself and see that I’m a completely different person to who I was five years ago, I don’t remember feeling like I (or anyone else) was growing. Because it just happened day by day. I wonder if it felt more rapid for you. After all, in the whole grand scheme of things, five years isn’t very long. Despite that, I think I have learned more about life in those five years than in all of the thirteen years before that. And even though it probably wasn’t completely up to you, high school, thank you anyway.

The thing is, even though I can look back on you and smile, there are certainly things that could have gone better. But I think maybe some of it is my fault. I’m caught between ‘I wouldn’t change a thing because I might not be where I am today’ and ‘if I could do things again with more knowledge, I would do things differently’. I think perhaps I concentrated too hard on my relationships with certain people instead of my relationships with possibly more important people. I think I found myself in the wrong mixing bowl where I was an ingredient whose flavour didn’t really fit. But it took a whole four years of bubbling away to realise it and by the fifth year I was already too turned to mush to be saved. But you still drank our soup, high school. How was that? Perhaps if I’d mixed with people who were more like me I’d be better off. Instead I’m left feeling, quite frankly, invisible most of the time. But I don’t know, maybe the reason I achieved all the things that I did is because achieving makes me feel seen. But also it could just be that I like to make things. If I could do things over my one wish to myself would be that I had the confidence to tell people how I truly felt instead of hiding behinds smiles all the time. Like when no one made any kind of effort for my 18th birthday and yet I was still expected to make an effort for everyone else. I’ve always made an effort. You would have seen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to make you feel sorry for me, because I’m okay, but I’m just saying. And I’d never tell them how much it hurt because they’re my ‘friends’ and ‘friends’ aren’t supposed to hurt you and maybe they just didn’t realise and it can’t be their fault so maybe it’s mine. I guess instead I’ll just leave this with you, high school. Because none of this will matter once I’ve said goodbye.

You’ve surprised me in many ways high school. Or maybe I’ve just surprised myself. Some of my most treasured memories happened on the bus and I certainly never expected that. And the people who I’ll probably miss the most are the ones I never expected to have become close to. I think there are people I hope are reading this and there are people I hope aren’t, but maybe they’re all the same people. All the people I never truly told all the things I should have told. I guess they know now if they’re reading this. But if they’re not, I suppose they’ll never know. I would tell some of them that they should have either told me the truth or showed me that it wasn’t a lie. But in that case I should take my own advice and told them the truth. For the others who I never expressed my appreciation for (if you’re reading this and know who you are), thanks for understanding me, I will miss you even if I don’t show it. I should have spent more time with you instead of those others who never seemed to care.

So, high school, while I didn’t always have a clear path or know who I was while restricted by your walls, you have helped me find all my pieces. And while I may not be fully happy with how things are ending, I am content with how things are for what they are. I know I haven’t been the saddest I’ll ever be, nor have I been the happiest I’ll ever be and I am ready to step off this ride and onto another one. Thank you for the ups and downs and all the thrills in between, but it’s time to face the world and while that terrifies me, I can’t hold your hand forever.

So goodbye, high school. Thank you for having me.

Love, Lauren.
xoxo

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A letter to a boy / The world upon my pedestal – Poems

A letter to a boy

Dear boy,
We’ve been friends for a while now
And I find it weird to think about
How we used to be,
What we were like when we
Very first met.
I’ve always admired you.
I’ve always looked up to you
In more ways than the obvious
But I suppose in different ways
Now.
I used to see you as this greater being
Who was something I could never be.
You were always slightly out of reach.
Even now I sometimes feel disbelief
Because it seems crazy to be able to call you a close friend.
But as I got to know you,
You morphed into a person who is not different
But just more real.
It reminded me that you too
Are just a person.
Just like me.
Just like everyone else.
I still admire you to this day
But I don’t know if I could give you a list of reasons
Because,
My admiration and love simply comes from
An appreciation for every part of your existence.
I am proud
To have been able to see the things you’ve accomplished
And how you’ve grown and flourished.
Once you were a stranger on a pedestal
With your face shining in the sun
While I was forced to squint as I looked up at you.
But now,
I don’t want to say you’ve come down from your pedestal
Because you still fully deserve to be there,
But it’s more that I have now realised
That I too
Deserve to stand on a pedestal
And I’ve climbed the stairs to you.
I look around at all the people.
All the tiny people on the ground
Looking up,
Wishing they could be where we stand and
I shout to them:
“Climb the stairs!”
“Can’t you see the stairs?”
But they don’t hear me.
We are just unknowns to them.
Just strangers on pedestals.

I suppose the lesson in this is that
You should never think anyone is
Too good for you
Or that you don’t deserve them
Because we are all
Just people.
I want you to remember that.
And I sometimes think that perhaps your reality
Is different from mine
And that perhaps you see yourself
As just one of the little people
But I want you to know that you are definitely
One of the pedestal people
Who glow in the sun
And I just hope
You surround yourself with those
Who see you in that way
(and I hope I am always one of them)
I’ll make sure you do.
I’ll keep an eye on them
(and I’ll always hold onto you).
I’ll be watching from my pedestal.
Love,
Lauren.

 

The world upon my pedestal

They might not think that to stand on a pedestal
Is the ideal place to be.
They might not think I have enough
Room to even move my feet.
But while they are just little people
They will never know this magic.
For there is a whole world up here.
My head is in the clouds and
I don’t have to worry about it.
I can float
And I can fly.
I no longer feel the need to dig my toes into concrete
Even though that’s what they all seem to do.
Because they are afraid of change
And afraid of new
But the concrete around their toes
Holds them among the same
And the easy
Just doing what all the others do.
But up on my pedestal,
I don’t have to feel like I am confined to only one atmosphere.
I can see hundreds of tiny planets
Of possibility
That I can reach with just one leap,
Because I’ve already done the hard work
Of climbing the stairs.
Perhaps that’s what they’re all really afraid of.
I can feel the sun more strongly
As it makes me feel I’m made of gold.
It lights up everything below me
And all above me that I might hold.
Sometimes the only thing we need to see more clearly
Is a little bit of height.

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A letter to today

Dear today,

You are my favourite day. Although I don’t have much to choose from when it comes to picking favourites because you’re the only one that really exists. All the yesterdays that recount my existence and the infinite tomorrows or next weeks or next years that could possibly be, are nothing but projections in my mind. But you, today, are always here. 

Sometimes I think I forget about you when I’m too busy planning or reaching for a tomorrow that will never come, or when I’m turned backwards straining my eyes to see and remember a yesterday that doesn’t matter anymore. When I do that I only end up tripping over the rocks under my feet. Your rocks. I tread carelessly over your earth when your earth is the only one that really matters. And I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry I forget about you, today. I will try not to forget about you so much. But I suppose that’s what you get when you take things for granted. But one day, I might not have any today’s left and I don’t want to regret at the end not spending enough time with you. I don’t want to regret stamping down the flowers when I should have carefully walked around them to keep them blooming a little longer. 

So, thank you for always being there even when I neglect you or forget about you. I promise I will try to not do that anymore and that I will try not to get swept up into things that don’t really exist. I promise I will tread more carefully and I promise I will show you more that I appreciate you. Because I do.

Yours sincerely,

Lauren.