I have been through quite a process to decide what I was going to do with myself this year. I’ve been set on multiple options and then changed my mind multiple times. Originally I was set on taking a gap year, but then I decided not to because I wanted to get into doing work that I’ll actually enjoy as soon as possible. I want to get out of retail and start an actual career. During holidays, I realised that I missed learning and I missed routine. Fortunately I’ve been able to find ways to learn myself and create my own routines. But still, I realised that I may quickly feel quite lost if I took a gap year. Just because it’s such a long break and I may find it difficult to stay on track.
So, I’m not taking a gap year because I thought that the four-ish months of holidays would be enough of a break for me to do some of the things I wanted to do, as well as to prepare and improve on myself. Because of that, I’ve been on holidays for the last almost 3 months and haven’t really put a lot of thought into this year or University. Only just now, after having enrolled and having actually started the whole process, is it becoming real. And my feelings are very drastically fluctuating between ‘I am so extremely excited’ and ‘Have I made the right decision?’. I am scared about starting University, but I don’t think it’s because it’s a new experience and new people and new everything. It’s because I’m questioning myself. Because it ended up being quite a sudden decision and change of mind to go to Uni straight away, and although it was justified, I didn’t have time to settle into the decision before it was actually made. I am scared to start because I have settled into holidays. I like having this freedom to do anything I feel like whenever I feel like it. I am comfortable. And I don’t want to lose this comfort.
When you get to know comfort, you start to fear discomfort. Like when you get to know true happiness, you start to fear sadness. But, if you never experience anything other than what you know and are comfortable with, are you truly living, or are you just existing? It’s that whole thing of ‘stepping outside your comfort zone’ and ‘life begins where your comfort zone ends’. I am scared of discomfort, and during times when we aren’t uncomfortable, I’m sure we all are. It’s just about taking that step and not letting this idea of discomfort get in the way of what could be an amazing and beneficial experience or opportunity.
So this is me, telling myself that my fear is justified, but that I shouldn’t let it stop me from pursuing something that I want to pursue. And while in some situations, ‘not sure’ should mean no, in this case ‘not sure’ means at least give it a go.