On learning that nothing isn’t always the dream – A poem

I have been compulsively
Cleaning my room
As if trying to get rid of
The mess of you
And my mind feels clearer now
But at the same time feels
To close my eyes is to
Look out over completely still water
And even my breathing
Sounds quieter than before.
But I am used to
Roaring seas and crashing waves
And this way
There are no messages in bottles
Washing up to shore.
I was built with thick skin
To withstand tidal waves and
While this quiet is calming
I am quickly getting bored.

I know I wish for nothing
Because sometimes everything
Feels too much
And it seems I can only have
One extreme or the other.
But usually when the nothing comes
It feels like drowning.
This is a foreign nothing.
A new nothing.
A new empty.
A light empty instead of
A heavy empty.
Perhaps this
Is the nothing I’ve wished for
But now I’m only looking to the sky
Wishing for clouds
To paint pictures with
Or rain to create ripples in the water.
Right now I feel so weightless
I almost believe that I could fly,
But without wings
Or wind to carry me
I am stuck with my feet in the sand.

I know this break is good for me,
For once it’s easy to keep warm.
But I’m starting to miss my lightning,
So maybe I’ll learn to love my storms.