Eventualities – A Poem

If ever I walk down memory lane
There is always a place I stop and stay.
Standing at the side, pondering,
A ghost of the future, wondering,
Watching while
Fresh footprints form
Just how different my life would be
Had I not been too scared to turn the knob on that door.
I watch her hover, stall and linger,
Eyes searching for something familiar,
Something of which she’s sure.
Just one crack or crevice
That isn’t bright, sparkling and new.
But not even a toenail had made a dent
In the realm behind that door
As I watch her hand quiver over the knob, before
Just a subtle head shake decides
To avoid the fear of what could be in store.

Every time I watch her walk away
I feel a sinking in my chest.
Not a regret but just a nagging,
A wondering
About what could have been
If I’d entered the world I could have seen
At that single moment.
What wonderful things could I have explored
Had I not hesitated and stumbled the time before,
Had I gone through then,
Not the later door.

Sometimes along my windy road
I think
I get a single glimpse
Of the door again,
A missed opportunity,
But also just an eventuality.
It fits in between the skip of a heart beat,
Before I blink and admit defeat.
But I refuse to feel incomplete,
Because if I had the chance to repeat
That one tiny moment,
The entire path that I had walked
Would potentially
Change in front of me.
Would I be prepared to face the madness
Of a mind rewinding?
All my experiences rewriting,
Every single thought shuffling.

Or would it all still stay the same?
Would the only change just be a name?

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